Mr. Z Takes Umbrage

March 18th, 2009
Subject: Notification of Breach

Mr. Wakcher:

This letter shall serve as notification that you are in breach of the Settlement Agreement signed and executed on the date of Feb 27, 2009. Specifically, the comic posted on 3/2/2009 violates terms 3, 8, 10, and 14 of that agreement. Moreover, a thorough review of your archived comics demonstrates substantial noncompliance on every term. You are hereby on notice that on the basis of breach of the aforementioned Settlement Agreement, negotiation in bad faith, and in accordance with term 17 of that Settlement Agreement, I shall immediately resume all legal action against you, asserting all my rights in law and equity.

While there is no doubt the Settlement Agreement was in fact breached, it would be generous to describe your methods of doing so as anything but sloppy. You delude yourself in comic 186 when you state that the previous comic (in which you gave notification of breach) is non-canon. Only a self-proclaimed artist of your inflated ego would believe that the fictional world of his creation has any bearing on true, legal reality. The only canon you should be concerned with is the vast piles of legal documents dedicated solely to your downfall, and the summons already being delivered to your doorstep. Rest assured, there is no legal basis for the implementation of such an egregious breach and then claiming that it never in fact occurred.

By executing a legally binding document only to disregard it moments thereafter, you have made an absolute mockery of yourself in front of a growing audience, who I assure you is merely captivated by the same grotesque satisfaction one experiences in watching the all-consuming flames of an exploded automobile.

You have burned the lone olive branch, and out of the ashes I rise, a voracious, fiery bird with an unyielding appetite for your legal and moral obliteration.

That being said, I must admit that comic 185 was marginally better than every other instance of tripe that exists upon your website (with due exception to my own letters, which you continue to publish without my legal permission). I dare say you owe me a debt of gratitude for the degree to which my guidance and direction briefly yielded the prospect of a much improved comic.

These temporary improvements, however, will in no way placate me, for I take great umbrage to your written statement immediately following comic 185 in which you dare to call yourself my "nemesis." However grand your aspirations, to me you are a pest, no more significant than the fly who moves from a pile of dung to my delectable picnic lunch of roast ostrich breast, Grafton cheddar, and apricot fig chutney on an authentic French bâtard. Nonetheless, your contentious tone has at long last brought our quarrel outside the realm of polite discourse. Your belligerence has been noted, and my cadre of lawyers will have your head for this violent escalation.

World hunger, the cure for cancer, and perhaps global climate change are issues nearly grand enough to be considered my true nemeses. As a philanthropist of unparalleled munificence and anonymity, I have borne stark witness to the many woes of the world. Above all, there is no greater tragedy than the fact that a man of my immeasurable esteem must have so few true nemeses to call his equal.

Know that whatever your intentions for breaching the Settlement Agreement, this supreme act of idiocy has done nothing but secure your demise. In return for only a few small concessions I was prepared to suspend all legal action against you. Instead, you chose to cling to some perverse integrity you associate with your ordered sequences of graphics and words. Enjoy your arrogance, for every argument I have ever made against you has been doubly strengthened by this childish act of defiance. You have thrust one foot in the grave, Mr. Wakcher, and I shall bury the rest of you.

"And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death." (Revelation 20:14)

Your better,

Mr. Z