Mr. Z Takes Umbrage

February 13th, 2009
Subject: Settlement Agreement

Mr. Wakcher:

You, as I have previously noted with great eloquence, are quick to aggrandize yourself by flaunting each and every one of your trivial accomplishments and inconsequential anniversaries at your undoubtedly weary readership. I, conversely, choose to bide my time, fermenting in the juices of my innumerable victories as they continually wear away the crumbling foundation of your wretched online enterprise. For I am the wind and the waves are the Law, and together we erode great mountains and the shining cities that grace them; Far more significant, I might add, than your dilapidated, hell bound shanty. It is with the authority vested in me as Poet Laureate of my own hometown, the leader of countless groundbreaking geological surveys, and the foremost expert in the works of John Winthrop and their application in the political dialogue of the United States in the 1980s, that I make this extended metaphor with complete confidence in its appropriateness and legal validity.

For was it not just a year and three weeks ago (with respect to the dating of this letter) that I wrote to you my first letter of complaint, ushering in a new era of accountability on the Internet, and for that matter, in worldwide art? The cause has come this far, onward it shall tread.

It therefore stands to reason that Circle Versus Square: A Web Comic, has also continued for at least that long. I would have moved to stop this affront you have created before it even began, but alas, precognition is admittedly an area in which I am only an intermediate practitioner.

But in all truth, I pity you. Out of some sort of stubborn, idealistic masochism, you insist on degrading yourself with this vapid exercise. On what principle you continue your meaningless crusade, I can scarcely imagine. If even for a brief moment you could see yourself for what you truly are, you would undoubtedly realize the degree to which you are an absolute embarrassment in every conceivable way.

Nevertheless, continued observation of your miserable plight has at long last awoken my purest senses of goodness and charity. Lest you waste yet another year of your life, I am willing to offer (to be considered for a period of time terminating on 2/27/2009) a lone olive branch.

I have prepared the following Settlement Agreement by which I will agree to suspend legal action against you and your comic in return for your compliance with a reasonable set of terms and conditions. It is in the best interest of you, your readers, and the state of modern art that you consent to follow them precisely as written.

WHEREAS Mr. Z ("Mr. Z") is a man of great means, unimpeachable social standing, and immeasurable geopolitical influence;
WHEREAS Mr. Z possesses a high degree of expertise in all areas of worldly knowledge and practice;
WHEREAS Michael Allen Wakcher ("Wakcher") is an obscure Chicago artist of little note, accomplishment, or contribution;
WHEREAS Wakcher is the sole creator, writer, and illustrator of the online comic Circle Versus Square ("CVS");
WHEREAS Mr. Z has claimed damages against Wakcher for use of his intellectual property in CVS; (link)
WHEREAS CVS has been accused of lacking decency and redeeming social importance to the point of criminal obscenity; (link)
WHEREAS Wakcher has failed to appear in court on the date of July 24th, 2008 for the hearing of Summary Judgment in the matter of Mr. Z v. Wakcher; and
WHEREAS Mr. Z takes great umbrage.
NOW THEREFOR in settlement of the parties' disputes, they now agree as follows:
  1. Wakcher shall remove or redact any use of the word "umbrage" in CVS.
  2. The font used in all CVS comics shall be Times New Roman.
  3. No CVS comic shall exceed six panels.
  4. CVS shall from now on be produced in full color.
  5. All characters/shapes shall be given recognizable appendages and faces.
  6. Observable pixelation is forbidden and must be adequately corrected at Mr. Z's sole discretion.
  7. CVS shall be produced in a true art medium such as pastel, ink, watercolor, or pencil.
  8. Circle and Square shall cease all argument about inane topics and demonstrate the highest level of manners and decorum at all times.
  9. The character Pentagon shall not be demeaned in any way and his authority shall be respected at all times.
  10. Heart's katana shall be censored or removed. No further reference to any phallic symbol shall be made in the presence of a female character. (link)
  11. It shall be revealed what misfortune befalls Circle by standing on the X. (link)
  12. Triangle shall cease his blistering assault on the English language. (link)
  13. All characters shall be given proper names. (The relevant wording of terms 8-12 shall retroactively change in accordance with the assigning of those names.)
  14. No new characters shall be introduced without Mr. Z's expressed written consent.
  15. The celebration of future anniversaries is strictly prohibited.
  16. Mr. Z is to suspend any and all litigation and legal action against Wakcher.
  17. Failure by Wakcher to meet any of the above terms and conditions constitutes cause for termination of this SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT at which time MR. Z shall be free to resume all legal actions that are now pending and may assert his rights in law and equity.

It is without doubt that following these simple guidelines will produce a superior product on all levels, as anyone with even the most basic sense of good writing or art would be well aware.

This is your final chance to avoid the full force of law. Consider the consequences and govern yourself accordingly.


Mr. Z

{{{Hey guys, Wakcher here: When this letter came out there was a big discussion
in the forum as to what I should do found HERE. Of course we all know what
happened as seen HERE, and subsequently HERE.}}}