Mr. Z Takes Umbrage

June 8th, 2008
Subject: Affronts to the Lord

Oh Sinner Wakcher:

While the Federal Court may be slow to deliberate on our earthly conflict, your recent assaults on the Kingdom of Heaven portends your everlasting destruction and eternal damnation. Fear, for it is in the name of the Infinite and Almighty God that I take profound umbrage on this most holy day. Surely, if you were not a man of such Lilliputian importance, your grotesque wickedness would be smote by the Lord's own fury and judgment.

Having received my Th.D in Moral and Systematic Theology as an independent scholar from the Sydney Missionary & Bible College, and as a special advisor to his holiness the Pope, I declare under the auspices of the Ecclesiastical Council your comic to be a vain, heretical fantasy of a Philistine.

In wicked comic number 44 you present a diamond as a false idol more odious than even the golden calf of the Hebrews (Exodus 32:4). Worse still, you unabashedly mock the faithful who dutifully await the coming of the Lord, imprudently asserting that faith and patience in salvation is somehow uneventful and humdrum. Rue the day that this "Diamond" character appears again; You can be sure I will say my piece.

Your heinous march continues in comic number 57 where you equate uncorroborated junk science with earnest faith. Unsurprisingly, you simply fail to realize that science and faith are not inherently incompatible. While this is undoubtedly beyond your comprehension, I feel it is my duty as an enlightened individual to inform you that science affirms my faith and vice versa.

My legal counsel continues to assure me that I shall obtain a massive judgment. These titans of law have seen Providence and have transformed themselves into a divine army akin to the Powers themselves. Your garish donate button has not gone unnoticed. I am reminded of the practice of buying indulgences. Many, many coins in my coffer must ring before your soul in purgatory shall spring. Whatever tithing you receive will do nothing to spare you from my vast resources and celestial fury. I have informed the constituents of the multitudinous congregations of which I am member that all suffering is soon to end.

You are indeed a sinner in the hands of an angry God, a mere cockroach dangling over the great pit of Hell where you are sure to find ample quarter. For your own sake, put an end to your blasphemous web comic before the pearly gates are forever closed to you.

As you are well aware, I am less fallible than any man you have known. Still, I am but a man and therefore capable of error. As such, I must conclude prudently. To this end, on behalf of God I reserve all His legal and divine rights under the law. Where these rights conflict divine law shall take precedents as a matter of course and law. However, God waives neither His legal rights nor His divine rights regardless of conflict between the two and specifically reserves both said rights in a situation of conflict. Anything I have said should not be construed as a statement of His opinion and all such statements are entirely legally non-binding. I have referred to "God" in this letter, but the term should be interpreted broadly to include any deity, spirit, or demiurge that could reasonably take offense at your conduct.

A sensible, God-fearing man would realize that were it not for the Almighty's mercy and pleasure that there would be nothing restraining the furnace of fire from consuming your soul at any moment. As the good book says of the wicked in Psalm 37:13, "The LORD laughs at him, for he seeth his day is coming."

God’s humble servant,

Mr. Z