Mr. Z Takes Umbrage

October 29th, 2008
Subject: Geometric Shapes Masquerade as Comic in Supposed Contest

Mr. Wakcher:

I hereby declare that your recent award for writing in the so-called 2008 Webcomic Readers Choice Awards is nothing more than an opprobrious monument to the fallaciousness of mob rule. Worse than your unwarranted acceptance of this "honor" was the self-aggrandizing press release that soon followed: "Circle Versus Square Wins 2008 Webcomic Readers Choice Award For Writing." Allow me to suggest the far more appropriate headline, "Geometric Shapes Masquerade as Comic in Supposed Contest."

I maintain an unassailable position as the world's most influential art and literary critic, second only to my mentor Marcel-Reich Ranicki who, in heeding my council, rejected his lifetime achievement award in Literary Criticism declaring, "I don't belong here among all this rubbish." Mr. Wakcher, your mere participation in these awards does an unforgivable disservice to any shred of talent that has ever been recognized in even the most half-baked of popularity contests. In light of this injustice, I must insist that it is in your competition’s best interest to take a similar course as my mentor, and decline their awards in protest. It is doubtful that even this action will be sufficient to cast aside the ineluctable foul stench your cookie cutter comic has impressed upon them, but it is a start.

Were it not arrogant enough that you have an entire website dedicated to quoting yourself, you rose to a new level of impudence when, on the morning after your writing award was announced, you offered your readers not a comic, but solely an umbrageous tribute to your own hollow victory. Apparently, you could not even be bothered to provide your loyal (albeit misguided) readers with some form of joke, and instead resorted to giving yourself a thoroughly unmerited congratulations. I had sincerely hoped, perhaps, that you had finally collected enough accolades, and that Circle Versus Square was dead at long last.

Imagine my dismay, therefore, when your comic continued on 10/22/2008 with yet another trite installment. It was then that the fact of the matter became known to me. You were at the precipice of an imagined success, when suddenly, the responsibility of your work became too much to bear. Mr. Wakcher, you have revealed yourself to be nothing more than a cesspit of demented weakness, and I half expect that by the time you are reading this letter you have been driven to madness and cut off one of your own ears. Never before have I witnessed such a swollen head cowering under its own weight.

Know that my ongoing legal efforts shall bring you to your knees in short order. Meanwhile, I call to your attention the legal principle abundans cautela non nocet, and implore you to recognize that a responsible artist in your position would have long ago ceased all creative production for the sake of his peers, community, and nation. I am seeking any and all legal avenues that will allow me to nullify your precious award, and as always, I remind you that you continue Circle Versus Square at great personal risk.

Roma Locuta Est,

Mr. Z