Mr. Z Takes Umbrage

March 10th, 2008
Subject: Offensive Valentine's Comics

Mr. Wakcher:

My counsel has informed me that you have been served with my formal legal complaint in compliance with the necessary state and federal standards. I intend to move for Summary Judgment and bring about your day of reckoning most expeditiously. Still, you show no signs of relinquishing in your perpetual war against decency.

I am eager to inform you that I have once again been provoked and empowered by your outrageous conduct and have found yet another cause of action to add to your woes. The realization of this offense at long last was due to my precious hothead Mrs. Z.

I generally have little legal or moral sympathies for the fairer sex, but I must admit that I was taken with my wife's unyielding disgust and exasperation with regards to your Valentine's week comics, particularly the one posted on 2/13/2008. I listened intently as she evoked with great consternation the finer points of feminist law and jurisprudence, and although I found her passion very compelling, I must confess that I could not hope to remember fully what she said. I distinctly recall however her saying that your "heart" character brandishing a phallus is a blatant rejection of the difference model under feminist legal theory.

Mrs. Z's authority on this subject is unassailable and you would be wise to listen to her concerns with greater care than my role as her husband permits. She is the Honorary Professor of Social Evolution at Mount Vernon College in Washington, D.C., and is well respected in the female community as former president of the National Organization of Women (NOW) and co-founder of the World Alliance for Public Breastfeeding Awareness and Action (WAPBA&A).

How I love my dear Mrs. Z. Just when my righteous indignation begins to falter she is always there to convince me of why I ought to be so upset. Indeed, her profound and alluring rage is almost hypnotically captivating and the best Valentine's Day present I could have hoped for.

I take umbrage Mr. Wakcher. I take umbrage not only on behalf of Mrs. Z, but on behalf of all women everywhere. I have imbibed the collective apoplexy of an entire movement of individuals who are out for blood, and now it is up to you to make amends. Tread carefully.

Disgusted by proxy,

Mr. Z